Saturday, April 05, 2008
Sequel: Purple Heart
Rating: Adult. If you're under eighteen, please go elsewhere now.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to the CW and DC Comics, not to me.
"His man-sword thrust violently into her weeping flesh..."
"Ow. Stop reading that, Clark."
"You're the one who had it under your bed."
"It's old. I didn't know it was down there."
"Seriously. I think it belonged to my mom. I guess it came over with that last box of stuff my dad gave me before he moved. I mean, look at the woman on the cover. She has her hair styled like Farrah Fawcett."
"Yeah. Sexy. Except not so much. Her body yielded to his invasion, falling open as he waged war upon her vulnerable citadel..."
"Her what? Oh, come on, it does not really say that."
"Do you really think I could make this up? Me? Her defenses yielded to him, one by one, her battlements crumbling..."
"Ow, again. This writer makes it sound like sex is fatal, or at least seriously hazardous to your health."
"Maybe the hero is Kryptonian. His massive battering ram pounded relentlessly into her fragile flesh..."
"Oh, for God's sake, stop it. Please. I'm getting sore just listening to this."
"I don't want to stop. I didn't know romance novels were so..."
"Purple? Look, they aren't like this any more. Most of them are so blunt nowadays that they'd make you turn crimson, farmboy."
"Blunt? You mean no battering rams? Where's the fun in that?"
"Believe me, they're plenty of fun. They make sex sound like something enjoyable, instead of like medieval warfare."
"I don't know. I'm enjoying this a whole lot, personally. Her body blossomed as he plowed her moist furrow, heat and moisture flowering inside of her..."
"Hang on. I thought this was a war. All of a sudden he's gardening?"
"Don't look at me. I'm not writing it. I'm just reading. Anyway, I can relate to this part better, being a farmer and all. I've never liked plowing all that much, but this kind of plowing I think I could enjoy."
"Okay. So she's flowering. Is that the end?"
"No, I think he has to flower, too."
"Hee. Somehow I have a mental image of the guy with roses shooting out of his--"
"Hold it right there, Chlo. Could you at least pick a flower without thorns?"
"What do you care? You're invulnerable."
"Yeah, but the thought of thorns there... well, ugh."
"Fine. Make it daisies."
"That still doesn't sound really comfortable."
"No, I guess not. So forget the daisies. So what actually happens next?"
"Uh... Thunder rolled through him, and he irrigated her field with a heated summer rainstorm, making flowers burst forth anew."
"You're totally making that up."
"Yeah, I am. But the book is almost as bad. Let's see... With a final thrust of his mighty weapon, he conquered her fully, pouring his manly essence into her, flooding her fields with lifegiving moisture."
"Oh, my God. I may never have sex again without laughing."
"Yeah, me too."
"Like you ever have sex anyway."
"Like you ever have sex anyway."
"Well, you know... there's a solution to our problem."
"More badly written romances from the nineteen seventies?"
"Sort of. I was just thinking, you know, maybe our battering ram and citadel could sort of get together..."
"Excuse me. In case you didn't notice, I was making a pass at you. You really shouldn't laugh."
"Then don't ever say the words battering ram to me again. Because I can pretty much guarantee that from now on, those words will always make me roll on the floor."
"How about mighty weapon? Can I say mighty weapon?"
"Not... if you want me... to stop... laughing."
"Okay. No more purple prose, I promise. Stop laughing and kiss me."
"I'm not sure I can..."
"Come on, Chlo. I can't storm your citadel if you're laughing."
"All right, all right. I'm not laughing any more. Honestly. Bring it on, farmboy. Plow my furrow."
"Now you're laughing. How can we have sex if we're both laughing?"
"I bet we can manage it somehow."
"Yeah. I bet you're right. Let's go, farmboy. Let me see the man-sword."
"Are you ready to yield to my invasion?"
"Totally. Are you ready to flood my fields?"
"Actually, I think I've been ready for a long, long time."
"Well, okay, then. Good thing we found that book, isn't it?"
"Oddly enough... yeah, I'm really glad we found it."
"Conquer me, Clark."
"Sure, Chlo. Just as soon as I can stop laughing."
Read Violet here.