Going Under

M*A*S*H
Hawkeye/BJ
Rating: Adult. If you're under eighteen, please go elsewhere now.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to 20th Century Fox, not to me.
Sequel to Sweet Dreams.

Damn it. He's ruined everything.

After two weeks of struggling to keep his hands off B.J. Hunnicutt, last night he succumbed to his baser instincts in a moment of drunken lust.

B.J. is his best friend, and in this wretched place, that friendship's the most important thing in the world to him. The last thing he ever wanted to do was mess everything up again.

But this morning he forces his eyelids open against the bright morning light, despite the pounding in his head. He remembers exactly what had happened, in brief, vivid flashes of memory, and he knows, he knows, that he's ruined everything.

B.J. is nowhere to be seen. He is, Hawkeye thinks miserably, probably asking Colonel Potter for a different tent assignment, for a bunkie who doesn't put his hands and mouth all over him whenever his defenses are down. The two of them had agreed to go back to being just friends, but he screwed it up, and now...

He sighs, and decides to take a shower. He had a long, long day in OR yesterday, followed up by a substantial quantity of the paint thinner they call gin, and this morning he's foggy and hung over. Maybe a shower might help clear the cobwebs away.

He staggers across the compound, clad in his dark red robe, a towel draped over his shoulder. Despite himself, he's still keeping an eye out for B.J., but his tentmate is nowhere to be seen, even though he isn't on duty yet. He's presumably just avoiding Hawkeye.

Hawk slams the shower door open, a little harder than he needs to, and slams it shut again.

At least he has the place to himself, which means there's a hope-- a faint hope-- for a hot shower. Although a cold shower might do more for what ails him. The first time he and B.J. had-- well, the first time, he'd been so ridiculously turned on that he'd come right along with B.J. But last night he didn't get any release. He hadn't minded all that much, because he'd been all about making B.J. happy-- which was a strange attitude for a hedonist, but it was true. All he'd wanted was to please B.J.

But as a consequence, this morning he awakened with a steel rod in his boxers.

He lets the water run for a while, until a cloud of steam confirms that there is in fact hot water. Then he strips, tosses his clothes aside, and steps into the shower, wondering if he dares take matters into his own hands, so to speak. The shower isn't exactly private-- anyone could walk in at any time-- but if he doesn't do something, he's going to explode.

Before he can really consider the question, the door opens, and B.J. comes in.

Hawkeye gulps. He's still sporting his steel rod, and he doesn't really want B.J. to catch a glimpse of it. His cheeks flame, and he hastily ducks his head under the water to hide his embarrassment.

B.J. doesn't say anything. He strips his own clothes off, quickly and methodically, and hangs up his towel.

And then, to Hawkeye's shock, he walks around to Hawkeye's stall, opens the door, and steps inside, right behind Hawkeye.

Without meaning to, Hawkeye inhales water. He coughs and sputters, shaking his head like a wet dog. "Beej!" he manages to choke out at last.

B.J.'s arms slides around Hawkeye's waist, and to his even greater shock, he feels B.J.'s erection pressing up against his rear, hot and hard and unmistakable. He sputters some more. Clearly this is all a dream. A very vivid, very intense dream. Because there's no way that this is actually happening. No possible way.

"Last night," B.J. says in his ear, "you did something for me, and I didn't do anything for you. I thought I'd return the favor."

Hawkeye gurgles wordlessly. He's gotten past choking at this point, and he ought to be able to say something, but somehow he can't, especially when B.J.'s hand wraps around his hard, swollen flesh.

"Unnnhhh," he manages at last. "Beej... anyone could come in..."

"Relax, Hawk," B.J. says softly, and his hand begins to move.

It isn't exactly relaxing. Hawkeye's every muscle is already rigid with sexual tension, and the feel of B.J.'s hand on him, sliding up and down slickly, makes his body ache worse than before. B.J. has him positioned so that the shower water cascades over him, too, and that feels unbelievably good. Hawkeye wants to argue about it some more, because this is definitely not safe or sane or sensible, but he can't quite bring himself to argue. He can't do anything at all except to lean his head back against B.J.'s shoulder and give in.

B.J.'s hand works him hard and fast, and less than a minute later, Hawkeye's whole body shudders, his erection jerks in B.J.'s hand, and a long, sobbing sigh of pleasure escapes him.

Afterward, his legs tremble beneath him, and he drops to his knees in the water, bowing his head and gasping for breath. B.J. shuts off the water, then kneels behind him.

"I left a lookout," he says. "But still, we don't want to push it. If we're caught in here together, there'll be big trouble, and we both know it. I just wanted you to know that I wasn't upset about last night."

Hawkeye lifts his head and looks back at him. A lookout? he wonders, but instantly fills in the obvious answer: Radar. Radar is a sweet, naive kid who nevertheless understands a lot more than you'd expect, and who doesn't ever hesitate to help out his friends.

"I thought you would be," he says. Even to his own ears, he still sounds hoarse. He isn't sure if he's hoarse with passion or a deeper emotion. "Last time..."

"I know. But I'm starting to figure out..." B.J. rises to his feet and steps out of the stall. He walks around and steps into the other stall, turning the water on. "It's hard to explain, Hawk. I've thought about this a lot, but I still can't quite get it into words. The thing is, something inside me has changed. The very day I got to Korea, something changed. And I can't keep trying to force myself back into a mold I've broken out of."

Hawkeye rises to his feet and stares at him blankly. B.J. sighs.

"It's like..." He pauses, clearly struggling for words. "It's like there was this guy... a kid, really. Dr. B.J. Hunnicutt, Mill Valley family man, devoted husband and father. And then Dr. Hunnicutt came to Korea, and on the very first day of his new assignment he was shot at and scared shitless, and he found himself looking at kids younger than himself, kids whose guts had been blown apart by bullets, or whose legs had been ripped apart by land mines."

"Okay," Hawkeye says uncertainly, not quite sure where Beej is going with this.

B.J. ducks his head under the water for a moment, then re-emerges and goes on. "The old Dr. Hunnicutt disappeared that day. I don't know if he died, or if he's just hiding. But right now... I'm not that kid anymore, Hawk. I'm not the same guy who married Peggy and expected a happily ever after, or who thought that paradise could be found in a pretty little cottage. My world has changed. I've changed."

Hawkeye begins rubbing himself with soap. The water's starting to go cold, but he doesn't care all that much. "So how do I fit into this new world?" he asks.

"I don't know, Hawk. I really don't. All I know is..." B.J. ducks his head again, rinsing off the shampoo. "You matter more to me than anyone else here. You matter more to me than almost anyone. And fighting against whatever this is between us-- well, the honest truth is, it's pointless."

"But Peg..."

"Peg's in a different world, Hawk. The world I left behind."

Hawkeye finishes scrubbing himself off, and shuts the water off. He frowns as he looks over at his friend.

"She probably wouldn't see it that way, Beej."

"No," B.J. admits. "She wouldn't. But she can't--" He sighs again, scrubbing himself furiously. "I've tried to explain to her what it's like here, and I can't, Hawk. She just doesn't know what it's like here. She can't. You can't know till you've been here. If she understood how awful it is... how you're the one who's been there for me...keeping me from falling apart..."

"I think maybe you're rationalizing," Hawkeye says, as gently as he can.

"Maybe I am. But... well, you're the only thing that keeps me from going under, Hawk. And I'm not going to let you go again. Not even for Peg."

Hawkeye blows out a long breath, then places his hand on the wooden partition between them. "As long as you're sure, Beej."

B.J. reaches out and puts his hand over Hawk's, briefly but firmly.

"I'm sure," he says.

-The End-