I'm Not That Girl

Clark, Chloe, Lois triangle
Futurefic angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: These characters belong to the CW and DC Comics, not to me.
The musis is "I'm Not That Girl," from "Wicked."

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

I remember the day I met him. I think I fell in love with him that day, although it's been so long it's hard to be certain. Regardless, I knew instantly that there was something special about him, something strange and wonderful, something I could sense but not define.

But I quickly realized there wasn't that spark between us, that he didn't see me as a girl, but just as a friend. He liked me, but he wasn't attracted to me. Not that way.

And so I kept my distance. We were friends, but that was all.

That was all I dared hope for.

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

I remember the day he almost kissed me. It was a long time ago now, but I can't ever forget it. We were interrupted before our lips met, but I knew, I knew, that things were going to change between us. That we wouldn't just be friends anymore, but something more. Something better.

But nothing came of it, and I didn't allow myself to dream about it any more.

I didn't dare.

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

I dreamed about him. I longed for him. And when we kissed, really kissed, I thought maybe... maybe...

But I'd always known he didn't really feel that way about me, that we didn't have that spark between us. And when he turned to her instead of to me, my heart ached.

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him...
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows
I'm not that girl...

Not that I blame him. My cousin is beautiful. I've always envied her that smile, that hair. I've always envied her those eyes and that laughter.

She's beautiful, but also more than merely beautiful. She's... the girl he loves.

I'm not that girl.

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...

I'm trying to forget him. At least, I'm trying to forget I love him. I've wished for so long... but I can't wish any longer.

He's marrying my cousin today, so I'll never be able to just walk away and forget him. I'll see him every day for the rest of my life, his arm around her, her hand in his, and every day I'll have to smile, and pretend my heart doesn't ache.

But I have to stop dreaming of him. I have to learn to be happy for them both.

I wish I didn't love him so much.

I wish I didn't love her so much.

I wish I could hate her for taking what I most wanted. But I know that she didn't take him, not really. He was always hers, from the day they met.

Somehow, they were destined to be together.

And I want them to be happy. Really, I do. I love them both so much that I can't even begrudge them their happy smiles.

It's not his fault that he loves her. It's not her fault that she loves him. It just... is. It's the way things are. It's the way things were always meant to be.

I'm not that girl. She is.

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart

And so, as the maid of honor, I stand up in front of the crowded room after their wedding, and I raise a glass with a smile. And I hope no one can tell that my heart is breaking.

"To Clark and Chloe," I say. "May they have a long and happy life together."

There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

-The End-