These Happy Golden Years

Fandom: Smallville
Characters: Clark/Chloe, Shelby
Description: Clark and Chloe are finally getting married. But to Shelby, the most important part of the day is the food at the reception.
Length: Oneshot, 1350 words
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor
Disclaimer: These characters belong to the CW and DC Comics, not to me.
Note: This is part of my Shelby stories series, but can probably stand alone just fine. Falls between "Don't Drop Her, Kid" and "My Girl." Title swiped from Laura Ingalls Wilder, with apologies for the rather dreadful pun.

"She's late." The Boy tried to tie his bow tie, for the fourth time in two minutes, and failed epically, also for the fourth time in two minutes. "Oh, my God, she's late to her own wedding. That can't be good."

I thumped my tail twice. The real shocker, kid, would be if she were on time. The Girl is probably going to be late for her own funeral.

"Oh, God." The bow tie didn't resemble either a bow or a tie. "She's not coming, Shelby. She's changed her mind."

I sighed heavily. I was stretched out on the old red couch in The Boy's loft, watching as he got ready... or tried to. Mostly what he seemed to be doing was having what humans call a meltdown.

She's gonna be here, kid. Don't worry about it. What you need to worry about is that tie. There are all those people in the yard, and if you come down the stairs looking like that, they're going to laugh their heads off.

"The tie," he said, almost as if he'd understood me. Sometimes I suspect The Boy understands dog more than he realizes. Or maybe I speak better human than I realize. "Oh, God, I can't go downstairs looking like this..."

And he tried to tie it again. But once again, his effort was a miserable failure. I sighed again.

Come on, kid. It's not rocket science, you know.

"Clark?" The Woman stuck her head up over the railing, and I wagged my tail.

Now we'll get somewhere. Someone competent has arrived.

"Mommmmm." The Boy sounded as whiny as he used to back when I first met him. Nice to know that some things never change. "Where's Chloe? Has she called?"

"I'm sure she's on her way, Clark." The Woman spoke calmly, and went over to him. In her hands, the bow tie instantly took shape. "There." She stood back and patted his shoulder. "You look very handsome, Clark."

"I'll look like an idiot if she doesn't come."

"Clark." She shook her head. "Don't be ridiculous. Chloe loves you. She wouldn't miss this day for anything."

At her gentle, reassuring words, a bit of the tension went out of The Boy's shoulders. "You're right," he agreed. "She's probably just hunting down one last lead on that LexCorp article..."

"Exactly. She'll be here any minute. Now comb your hair one last time, and get those flowers on Shelby's collar."

I perked up my ears. Flowers? For me?

"C'mere, Shel," The Boy said, and I bounded off the sofa and went to him. He fastened a bunch of pink flowers to my collar, and I lifted my chin and strutted a little.

I guess we know who everyone's going to be admiring now.

"Don't get cocky, buddy," he said, rumpling my ears. "No one's going to be looking at us. No one ever sees anyone but the bride."

As if on cue, a voice called up the stairs. "Clark?"

"Chloe," he gasped, and ran for the staircase. I followed more slowly.

I told you not to worry so much, kid.

*****

The man in the black suit would not stop barking.

I was bored out of my mind. When The Girl had arrived, I'd noticed she was in a pretty white dress, and I'd tried to jump up to tell her how nice she looked, but The Boy had hollered at me. That had hurt my feelings, just a bit. But fortunately I'd had the flowers on my collar to soothe my wounded feelings and make me feel a little better. The Boy had gone to stand beneath The Woman's rose arbor, and signaled to me to sit next to him, so I had.

I was being the gentleman I knew I was supposed to be, and sitting as still as any statue could. But I really wanted to flop down and take a nap. The man in the black suit kept droning on and on and...

And then, finally, The Boy and The Girl began saying words of their own. I waved my tail, because they were much more interesting to me. Not that I could understand everything they said. I caught words like love and forever and soulmate, and gathered that they were expressing their affection for one another in front of all these people. That seemed rather silly to me. After all, they already knew they loved each other. So did anyone else who saw them together. There didn't seem to be any need to bark on and on about it.

But humans do lots of silly things that I don't quite understand.

Finally they slipped rings onto each other's fingers, and then they did that lip-mashing thing that humans do. Everyone applauded, and I forgot that I was supposed to be a gentleman, and jumped up to kiss them both, in the proper canine fashion. The Boy didn't holler at me this time, even though one of my paws did make a tiny little dirty spot on The Girl's dress. (Well, maybe it was more of a medium-sized spot.) He just laughed, and rumpled my ears.

"Good dog, Shel," he told me. "You made a terrific best man. We can't wait to hear your toast."

After that, mounds of food were served on tables in the back yard, and I politely wound my way through the guests, introducing myself to people, courteously shaking hands, and waiting until they realized they should offer me food off their plate. Most of them were quite trainable, and caught on quickly. There were hot dogs and meatballs, and even a few bites of cake.

I was delighted by all the food and pats, not to mention the endless stream of compliments on my flowers. But eventually I sniffed the air, and realized that The Boy and The Girl were missing. Concerned, I went in search of them.

I found them in the loft. I looked through the railing, but they didn't notice me. They were giggling together.

"Clark." She was laughing as she tried to push him away-- but not very sincerely. "We're supposed to wait for the honeymoon."

"I bet plenty of married couples do it during the reception," he said earnestly. "Anyway, we should do it here, Chlo. This is where we did it the first time, remember? It's only right that we have our first time as a married couple right here."

"What if we get caught?"

"Don't worry about it. Who's going to come into a barn in formal clothes? We're safe."

"You're just saying that because you want to get laid," she accused.

He laughed.

"You're right," he admitted.

"I want to get laid too," she whispered, and pulled his head down, kissing him.

I realized that this was not a moment they wanted to share, not even with the best man (or best canine). I turned and quietly made my way downstairs. At the door to the barn, I encountered The Woman.

"Shelby," she said, looking worried. "Have you seen Clark and Chloe?"

I wagged.

"Are they up in the loft?" She took a step into the barn, as if she meant to go up the stairs, and I moved in front of her, very casually, then nudged at her hand.

I know where they are. Follow me.

Fortunately for The Boy and The Girl, humans are gullible. The Woman followed me, giving them a few moments of privacy. And a few moments, I guessed, would be enough... for now, anyway.

I led The Woman on a wild goose chase around the house, then returned to all my friends, new and old, at the party. I was perfectly aware that The Boy had been kidding, and that I wouldn't actually be expected to give a speech, because humans can't understand how eloquent I am. Too bad for them, really.

But that was all right. I didn't have time to give a speech, anyway. I had some extremely important things to accomplish.

There were still lots more meatballs to be eaten.

-The End-