Sunday, August 12, 2007

Two Friends, Two Pizzas

Season 7 (some SPOILERS, don't read if you want to remain totally unspoiled)
Rating: Adult. If you're under eighteen, please go elsewhere now.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to the CW and DC Comics, not to me.
Sequel to Two Friends, Two Jobs.

"I hate pizza."

"Yeah, you mentioned that yesterday. So why did you show up at my door tonight with a pizza in either hand?"

"Well... they had the wrong toppings, and the people who ordered them refused to accept them. So I got to take them home for free. The price was right, you know?"

"Talk about your cheap dates."

"Well, cut me some slack. I'm not exactly raking in millions with this job. I don't think I'll be living in a penthouse with Lex and Ollie any time soon."

"What, are they living together now?"


"And you want to move in with both of them? Gosh, all this time I thought you were happy with me."

"Chloe. Quit it."

"Sorry. I wish they were living together. If I broke that news, I bet I could at least get a byline on the front of the B section, Grant or no Grant."

"Chloe Sullivan, gossip columnist. Doesn't really sound like you somehow."

"No, I guess not. Here, have a slice of pizza."


"Look, don't criticize the food. You're the one who brought it."

"Yeah, but I can't even stand the smell any more, let alone the way it tastes. It's a bummer, because pizza used to be one of my favorite foods."

"No kidding. I distinctly remember you explaining to the health teacher in ninth grade that pizza was an integral part of the food pyramid."

"Well, it is."

"Uh-huh. It might be okay for Kryptonians with insanely fast metabolisms, but it's not so great for the rest of us."

"I guess. It used to drive my mom crazy when you and I ordered pizza every Friday night when we watched DVDs. I think she wanted us to order salads or something."

"Organic salads. With goat cheese."

"Ugh. That almost makes pizza sound palatable."

"But not quite, huh?"

"I just can't get past the smell anymore. Do you have any muffins around?"

"Muffins are not dinner food. Eat the damn pizza. You need your calories, especially if you're running around delivering pizzas all over Metropolis."

"I'm using my truck, Chlo. If I show up at someone's house two minutes after they order, people are going to start wondering about me."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. Tell me something, Clark. Doesn't it make you crazy to do things the slow human way, when you can do them so much faster in superspeed?"

"Sometimes. I always have to keep my powers under wraps, and I'll admit it annoys me a little when other people get credit for doing something that I could do faster and better. But I guess you can kind of understand that, what with the whole situation at the Planet."

"Yeah. I guess maybe."

"Chlo... I hate to bring this up again, but you need to do something about all this crap that's going on at work. You're really stressed."

"No, I'm not. You helped me relax last night, and now I'm all chilled out."

"You are not. You're already on your fourth piece of pizza."


"You only eat that fast when you're really upset."

"Are you suggesting I'm too fat to have so many pieces of pizza?"

"Whoa. Put the inner pitbull back in its kennel, Chlo. I'm not the one you're mad at."

"Sorry. I know I'm a bitch lately."

"Just lately?"

"You want the rest of this pizza in your hair?"

"Sorry. I couldn't resist."

"A smart man would learn to resist these impulses."

"You're trying to change the subject. You were working on an article last night. Did you turn it in today?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I did."

"And what did Grant say?"

"He said it was poorly written, poorly researched, and dull. Meanwhile, Lois turned in an article on a Nessie sighting near the docks at Metropolis, with the title Metropolis Sea Serpant! That's 'serpant' spelled with an A, just in case you were wondering."

"Lois' spell checker must be on the fritz."

"Lois doesn't know how to use spell check."

"So. Let me guess. He didn't complain about Lois' research?"

"No, he told her it was a terrific article, and that it'd be in tomorrow's paper."

"Is Lois sleeping with Grant?"


"I'm serious. Why the hell is he printing her crappy articles, and tossing your stuff? I don't get it. It just doesn't make sense."

"You really think she might be sleeping with him?"

"I have no idea, Chloe. But I honestly can't imagine why else he'd be acting this way."

"Hmm. Maybe I should sleep with him."

"I would not be in favor of that."

"Well, okay. Just a blow job, then?"

"Stop it. You know you'd never do something like that, no matter how much you wanted to get a byline."

"And I don't think Lois would, either. I think maybe Grant likes her, but I doubt she's encouraging him."

"I hope you're right. Don't tell anyone, but I've always liked Lois--"

"That admission is shocking enough to get me a byline on the Planet's front page."

"--and I'd hate to think she'd act that way. So let's hope you're right. But no matter why Grant's favoring Lois, it still sucks. Maybe you need to have it out with him."

"What if he fires me?"

"What if he does? How many articles have you turned in since he started at the Planet?"

"Hmm. Thirteen or fourteen, I think."

"And how many has he printed?"

"Uh... none."

"So why exactly are you so determined to hang onto your job?"

"You have a point. Fine. I'll talk to him tomorrow and see if I can find out what the real problem is. Maybe my writing just sucks."

"Oh, that's crap, and you know it. Kahn wouldn't have put two of your articles onto the front page if your writing sucked."

"I guess not. Hey, are you going to eat that pizza or not?"

"The truth is, I didn't actually come over here for dinner."

"Are you trying to imply you had ulterior motives? I'm shocked. Really."

"Well, you know, we've been dating for a couple of months now, and I was thinking maybe it was time we had sex. I know it's a radical notion, but..."

"Sex? With you? I'm not sure I can wrap my mind around that concept."

"It's not your mind I want wrapped around me."

"Hmm. I don't know, Clark. I'm just not sure I'm ready for such a big step..."

"Shut up and come here, you. Ugh. You taste like pizza."

"Is that going to be a problem for you?"

"Uh, I think I'm willing to tolerate it."

"There's some mouthwash in the bathroom..."

"I was kidding, Chlo. You taste great. Just like always."

"I'm glad you brought dinner, Clark. Even if you did have ulterior motives. Or maybe especially because you had ulterior motives."

"I'm glad I could come over, too. I try to spend as much time with you as I can, but it's not easy, considering we're both working and going to school now."

"We're both busy, all right. But this is worth making a little time in our schedules for."

"Totally. Hey, Chlo..."


"I can't get you onto the front page of the Planet or anything. But if you'll give me a blow job, I'll make sure you get free pizzas every night."

"It's a deal, farmboy."

-The End-

Read the sequel, Two Friends, Two Pink Slips.


Anonymous said...

It's probably cheap and a little petty of me, but my favorite part is still Lois's big, important and very Daily Planet worthy "Metropolis Sea Serpant" with an A! Snerk, I bet she can't use spellcheck. All those red highlights in her text must really be confusing her.

Very funny stuff and I hope at least this Chloe catches a little break with Grant, even Kahn wasn't that bad. Of course, she'd also have a heart attack if the DP started printing Chupacabra and Nessie stories.

Shudders for even the potential of S7

sanaazzy said...

haha lois writing such crappy stories and Grant actually printing god what happened to the DP.

SelfAppointedCritic said...

Good stuff! I'll take Chlark playful banter with a side of romance any day of the week. Count me among those surprised by Jimmy's behavior. Though I understand his concerns as far as "his girl" goes, why be so nasty to Clark? *sigh* Boys behaving badly I guess; what a little brat. (Chlark blinders firmly in place? Check.) Thanks for sharing Elly.

SelfAppointedCritic said...

Oops! I did it again Elly... All except the first sentence (above) was meant to be posted to How You Remind Me. See what happens when I get behind on my reading and feedback? Sorry!

This story is great too, of course; good fun! I can only pray (most likely in vain) that it doesn't turn out this way in S7. Chloe's endured enough abuse on this show as far as I'm concerned. The whole Grant/Nois storyline makes me nauceous already. Nois...Ugh. I can't even get started on her again. Thanks for sharing your work Elly!

Writer & Cat said...

So cute! The experiment with pure dialogue really suits this particular series.

blackheart_me said...

LOL Clark cracks me up here. Still the devoted and worried boyfriend though and that makes me happy. Still hate Lois and Grant though and I feel bad that Chloe is so stressed that she's taking it out on Clark. The end had me cracking up though :D
These r so cute Elly :)