Manip by leothelion. Used with the permission of the artist.
Season 6, "Zod"
Disclaimer: These characters belong to the CW and DC Comics, not to me.
Title inspired by the manip above!
The world is crumbling around my ears, and I'm sitting here writing. I guess that's what journalists do. I can't seem to think of anything else to do, anyway.
I can't seem to think of anything but you.
I got caught out in the riots on the streets, and was saved by Lionel Luthor, of all people. I limped back to the Daily Planet and did my best to find information on the virus that's shutting everything down. It's the wee hours of the morning, and people are still rioting outside. I'm still searching, trying to find answers.
But I'm writing, too. I have things to say, things I didn't have a chance to say earlier.
Things I've had plenty of chances to tell you over the years, but never quite managed to say.
Things that if you come back, I'll never, ever actually dare to tell you, because I'm a big wuss when it comes to dealing with emotions.
When I grabbed you last night, I said, I don't know if I'll ever see you again. But I don't want you to think that's the only reason I kissed you.
I kissed you because I wanted to. Because I've always wanted to.
I kind of expected you to pull back a little, maybe tell me what you told me last time: I'm sorry, Chloe, but I just don't feel that way about you. Not right now.
But instead, you kissed me back.
You kissed me back like you'd always wanted to kiss me, too. Like you might kiss me forever, if the world wasn't falling down around our ears. You wrapped your arms around me and pulled me right up against you. I finally had to push you away.
And that is totally not what I expected.
The problem is that I literally don't know if I'll see you again. You went off to save the world, because that's what you do. It's who you are. I understand that.
I understand you.
And you understand me, too, more than anyone else ever has. You know what makes me tick. And you knew when you left me behind that I'd do my best to help. Because helping you is what I do. It's who I am.
And I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, honestly. Sure, I want to be on the side of the angels. I want to be one of the good guys. But do I really want to define myself as "the girl who helps Clark"?
Sometimes I think maybe I need to pull back from you a little. I mean, yeah, if you really, truly need help, I'll always be there. I'm always up for saving the world.
But the thing is, I'm trying to learn how to save the world on my own. I may not have superpowers, but I want to be a reporter. I want to get the truth to the people. It's what I've always wanted.
And the truth is, when I spend all my time helping you, I don't have the time to be a reporter. At least, I don't have the time to be the reporter I want to be.
Anyway, I wonder-- do you really need all the help I give you? Couldn't you do some of it on your own? You've got that amazing alien brain, after all. I remember the day you sat there in your loft and recited the first act of Julius Caesar, word for word, just to show me you could. You've got massive quantities of information stashed away in your brain. I'm quite certain you could learn to hack if you wanted to, probably better than I can.
The truth is, you don't need me as much as you think you do.
And maybe... just maybe... I don't need you as much as I think I do.
If you come back-- no. When you come back. I know you're coming back. Deep down, I know it. You have a future, a destiny, and it doesn't end here. I won't believe it can end here.
So when you come back, maybe it would be a good idea for you and I to take a little step back. To try to get along without relying on each other so much. Maybe it would be a good idea for me to focus on my career, and for you to focus on saving the world, without relying on your sidekick quite so much.
But if you really need me, I'm there. And don't think this means you don't mean something to me. Trust me, you mean an awful lot to me. When I kissed you... I meant it. I meant every second of it.
And I want to kiss you again, someday. Someday when you and I have established a little separation, a little distance... then maybe we can kiss again.
But not until then. Because I don't want to think of myself as "the girl who helps Clark Kent," or even "the girl who helps Clark Kent save the world." I want to think of myself as a reporter, first and foremost.
And maybe that's selfish, but I can't help it. A reporter is who I am, just like you're the guy who saves the world. We can't help being who we are, after all. And we all have to follow our own path, not someone else's.
I feel like I'm perilously close to following your path, and stepping off my own. I don't want that to happen.
But even if I back away a little, even if I spend some time trying to find my own way through life, I want you to know that I love you. I always have, and I always will.
And someday, I'll tell you that.
But if you were paying attention last night... you already know.