Monday, June 05, 2006
I Had Sex With a Space Alien, Chapter 1
Season 5, second half of season
Rating: Adult. If you're under eighteen, please go elsewhere now.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to the CW and DC Comics, not to me.
"I had sex with a space alien."
Clark Kent is mucking out a stall, but at the words he puts down his pitchfork, lifts his head, and stares at his friend Chloe Sullivan, frowning. "How many space aliens do you know, Chloe?"
"Not me personally," she says impatiently, waving a newspaper at him. "It's an article in the paper."
"In the Daily Planet?" He stares at the paper and sees the word INQUISITOR in big black letters. Not the Planet, then. The Daily Planet is one of the most highly regarded papers in America. The Inquisitor isn't. It's a tabloid, pure and simple. "Since when do you read the Inquisitor?"
"I just happened to see the headline, and I thought I'd better read it. This is actually kind of disturbing, Clark. She talks about having sex with this alien, who's tall, with dark hair and, uh, 'chiseled features.' So tell me, have you been sleeping with any reporters lately?"
"I haven't been sleeping with anyone lately," he answers shortly. "That could describe a lot of guys, Chloe. Anyway, she obviously made it up to sell papers. I doubt there's more than one space alien running around Metropolis."
"You're probably right." She leans against the stall door, studies the article for a minute, then looks up at him with a little gleam of mischief in her eyes. "So you're telling me you don't have three penises?"
The pitchfork slips out of his hands and drops to the straw. He bends over and picks it up, grateful for the chance to hide his cheeks momentarily. "Chloe," he says. "I am not discussing my... anatomy with you."
"Ah. So you do have three of them?"
Chloe aggravates the hell out of him when she goes into Investigative Reporter mode, because she never backs down from a question. He straightens up and glares down at her, trying to use his height to intimidate her into silence. "I am not having this conversation, Chloe."
She is obviously not intimidated. She glances at the paper again, then studies him with bright-eyed interest. "So... three penises, then. Okay. And is one of them prehensile?"
"Prehensile? A prehensile penis? Are you kidding me?"
"No," she says, very seriously, although her eyes are alight with mischief. "This reporter, and I use the term in a somewhat sarcastic mode, claims her alien lover used his prehensile, uh, appendage as he made love to her. So as to enter her other, uh, orifices, if you take my meaning."
"Stop. I do not want to hear this."
"I'm not blushing." He lifts his arm and wipes his forehead on his t-shirt sleeve in an effort to hide his face. Since he doesn't sweat, and Chloe knows that, he's pretty sure he isn't fooling her. But it's worth a shot, because he can feel his cheeks flaming a brilliant shade of crimson.
"You are totally blushing. So, tell me, Clark. If that's not what you use your prehensile penis for, then what good is it?"
"I don't have a prehensile penis! Jesus, Chlo!"
She bursts out laughing, and he grabs the paper out of her hands and scans the article. "This is the dumbest thing I've ever read," he announces thirty seconds later.
"I don't know," she says, still giggling. "I think having three of them would be handy. I mean, if nothing else, it'd be a real timesaver in the bathroom."
He rolls the newspaper up and smacks her over the head with it. "Stop. Just stop."
"Am I embarrassing you, Clark?"
"No, Chloe. My cheeks are always this color." He narrows his eyes at her. "Did you really come all the way out from Metropolis just to read me this crap?"
"It's Saturday," she says lightly. "I don't have anything to do today. No work, no classes, and wonder of wonder, no papers due on Monday."
"Lucky you," he grumbles, starting to spread the fresh straw over the stall floor. Farmers never get the day off. "So you figured you'd entertain yourself by embarrassing me half to death."
"No, I figured I'd ask you if you wanted to go grab some lunch in the Smallville sandwich shop. Embarrassing you half to death is just an amusing side benefit of my visit."
"Is it lunch time already?"
"It's almost noon."
He's been working since five, and figures it might be a good time to take a break. All of a sudden he realizes his stomach is rumbling. "Okay," he says, going into superspeed and finishing the stall. Chloe is one of the few people on earth who knows his secret, so he doesn't mind using superspeed in front of her. In fact he kind of likes the way she always reacts, with wide-eyed awe. "I just need to get a shower first. Come on in and wait. I promise not to take long."
"Is Martha home?"
"No." His mom recently became a state senator, and she's gone more often than not nowadays. "She's in Wichita. You can hang with Shelby, though. He loves you."
Sure enough, as they approach the house, the old golden retriever comes running out to greet them, his fringed tail waving. He fawns all over Chloe, then follows them to the house.
"Help yourself to a Coke or something," Clark says, then dashes up the stairs. He doesn't sweat, but he gets pretty damn filthy when he works on the farm, and he's not going out into public like this. He heads into the bathroom, turns on the water, and strips.
When the water's warm, he pushes the shower curtain aside, steps under the water, and relaxes for a moment or two under the hot droplets. Even though Chloe's waiting, he has no intention of rushing through his shower. Showers are one of those things that just don't lend themselves to being done at superspeed.
Over the sound of the water splashing, he hears the door open. Startled, he peers out around the shower curtain... and sees Chloe standing there.
Words fail him. He stares at her blankly.
"I'm sorry, Clark," she says. The humor is still gleaming in her eyes, but beneath it, he can see something a little more serious. "But I'm really dying to know if you have three penises."
Read Chapter 2 here.
Posted by Meg at 2:33 PM